Wednesday, April 4, 2012

WriterWorld of Horrors Part Two

It’s time for the next round of rides at WriterWorld Theme Park! Come on in. Enjoy the cotton candy and chili dogs. Bring a friend. Bring two friends. Just remember to bring your MS as well.

It’s A Stalled World:
Take a journey through novel writing in a thousand pound single-seat railcar through a selection of simulated plotlines over a sinuous railway. When the plotline no longer makes sense, your railcar stalls and the brakes lock. You get out and push while audibly revising the plotline coherently to briefly unlock the brakes, allowing you to move to the next point of the story. If your heart explodes* before reaching the exit, you lose.
*NOTE: Exploded hearts victims are rewarded with a voucher for a 20% price reduction for their next park visit.

The Query Go-Round:
Look at the lovely painted horses, bobbing up and down as they spin in non-stop circles. Select your steed then note the manacles that attach themselves around your ankles. Your job; note the flaw in each horses appearance and enter it on a mounted touchscreen. Get the answers right and manacles release so you can progress to a new horse to repeat the cycle. The objective is to reach the flawless horse** that doesn’t hold you prisoner.
**NOTE: It doesn’t exist.

The Pantser Pavilion/Outline Odyssey:
Don’t like outlines? This interactive challenge is perfect for those that thrive on spontaneity. Using only a hammer, saw and nails, you are provided with a pile of lumber. Your task? Build an entertaining but coherent maze without plans. The catch? The room has no exit until you make it yourself.
The Outline Odyssey follows the same idea as the Pantser Pavilion but with a twist. You are provided a comprehensive map to follow through a maze. The catch? The plans don’t match the maze you have to navigate. Use the ten-pound sledgehammer you are issued upon entry at your discretion to create a timeless, flowing exit.

Actual Contractual Keno:
Painted on the floor of a locked room is a publishing contract. You are issued a chunk of driveway chalk and tasked with marking up all the points of the contract for review. You have one hour. Do it right and you get a $10 voucher at our snack bar. Do it wrong and we keep your clothes and your car***. No Takes Backs.
***NOTE: In the event no car is available you will be requested to sign an agreement for your first-born, cat, dog, computer, publishing rights and/or estate****.
****NOTE: We’d really prefer the car. 

The Revision Rapids:
Going green can be fun! A hollowed out log carries you down a genuine rapid flume trail, providing chills, thrill and motivation. All you have to do is finish the final revision of you MS before you hit the track switching station. Hand off your completed rework and you get to enjoy the final dive downwards into a pool of champagne. The other route feeds directly into a wood chipper so the pulp can be reprocessed into paper for future thrill-seekers. Yes, this is also an opportunity for you to be recycled as a part of someone else’s work, albeit as particulate matter.

The Fantasy/Sci-Fry dunking booth:
The seat is comfy, the booth is warm. The reason; a fantasy or science-fiction writer is perched on a trap door above a vat of boiling canola oil (peanut oil was suggested earlier but we were concerned about allergic reactions).
You are tasked with providing a one minute verbal synopsis of your MS. A scoreboard next to you keeps count. You are allowed the use of three words that are meaningless to anyone else, referring to either race of people, locations or creatures. Should you succeed, you are granted a blog interview with a secondary character from one of many failed sci-fi/fantasy TV shows. Go over that limit and spray-jets coat you in our delicious proprietary batter before the floor drops open. Secondary prizes are awarded for tenderness and the consistency of the golden brown covering.

Sound exciting, right? We’re betting you can’t wait to give us a try.
Besides being fun we provide a valuable learning experience that is sure to harden the squishiest of scribes. The park layout is nearly set and any more ideas for attractions will be closed for submitting soon. All we need to get this going is a location that provides loose legal conditions and, preferably, no extradition.
See ya’ there!

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad I wasn't eating or drinking when I read this.