For my rabid clutch of
followers (please wipe that stuff off your mouth) I present my cool, rational
and semi-factual report, documenting my writing progress thus far. I hope the
both of you enjoy the update.
SCOPE: To determine if I am indeed drawing from that
pent-up creative pool that resides within me or if I’m just screwing around and
wasting my time.
MATERIALS: Laptop computer, Microsoft Word, Coors
Light, Dark Rum, Ginger Beer, Imagination (mood dependent), Talent (Talent
dependant), Time (Life dependant), Fingers (Hand dependant)
OBJECTIVE: To express my fictional ideas in an
entertaining fashion without coming off like I accidentally brushed my teeth
with a Taser.
EXPERIENCE: Other than some farting around on some
sports fan websites and three practice manuscripts – none.
GUIDELINES: Things you need to know.
1) Write
what you know. Failing that, write what you think you know. Failing that, make
shit up completely.
2) Avoid
dialog tags; unless there are more than two people in a conversation, a physical
expression is needed, if you have no other choice or if you forgot to not use them.
3) Avoid
repetitive, similar, already used, synonym-like words (I’m still working on
that)
4) Watch
out for selective typing dyslexia. Thrid/third,
from/form, ect./etc.
5) Learn
the correct usages of their, there, they’re,
and that there now.
6) If
you think a semi-colon fits, you’re probably wrong.
7) If
you think a sentence is too long, it probably is.
8) Too
many commas make you sound like you brushed your teeth with a Taser.
9) Avoid
repetitive metaphors and analogies.
10) On
occasion, lie.
11) Show,
don’t tell, and unless you’re describing something, then write it fluidly and
entertainingly. It work better than ‘look
at this shit, here!’
12) If the imaginary readers are women, include a
happy ending. If the imaginary readers are men, make sure things blow up. If
the imaginary reader is a cat, sell it to a laboratory to have its brain
removed, sectioned and analyzed or hire it as your agent
13) Join
a comprehensive, intelligent (i.e. free) writer’s community so you can interact
with other writers, share pain, and waste time on something other than that
pesky writing stuff.
14) Learn
the genre you’re writing for out of the 7,000,000 vague sub-genres. Chances are
you won’t fit in any of them; if so see guideline #10.
15) Trust
your beta readers to be helpful and impartial when they rip out your still
beating heart, stick it in a food processor, set it for puree and serve it to
you on nachos with a zesty salsa.
16) Don’t
beta-read for anyone else unless you own a firearm.
17) Learn
to write a query blurb, keep your therapist’s phone number on a post-it note stuck
to your computer monitor.
18) Learn
to write a query letter, making sure to spell the agent’s name correctly. For
writer bio, see rule #10
19) Invest
in a major vodka manufacturer and learn how to write a synopsis.
20) Learn
what the ‘hook’ is for a query then learn why yours suck.
21) Learn
how to write a logline, even though no one seems to know the purpose for it.
22) Learn
your acronyms, including; WIP, MS, MC, YA, MG, NaNo, ROFLMAO, TGIF, OMG, and,
most importantly DILLIGAF
23) Learn
patience. See guideline #10 and use it on yourself.
24) Learn
to keep motivated. See guideline #10 and use it on yourself.
25) Learn
to never misplace you therapist’s phone number.
26) Learn
to secretly enjoy other writer’s misery and the correct procedures to create
voodoo dolls for their inevitable success.
27) Edits
are never, ever, truly done. And when you think they are, your story sucks.
GUIDELINES: Things you don’t need to know
PROGRESS REPORT:
I’ve
written a bunch of stuff.
There
you have it folks. This is my comprehensive report on what I’ve learned and how
I’ve applied it. If this has indeed been a help, great. I’ll visit you in the
facility you wind up residing in. If it doesn’t, well…consider the source.
I
look forward to meeting each and every one you at my book signing. As of now it
is scheduled for a corner booth at a local McDonalds. Get there early, buy me a
Big Mac.
Thank you for your love, support, and contributing
to my delusion.
